Monday, 11 October 2010

The Cinema

What a completely fantastic place. Your sole purpose of going there is to utterly indulge yourself mentally and physically while sitting rather comfortably.

Just kidding, I fucking hate it. 

So you’re put into an overcrowded, smelly, sticky-floored room with every motherfucker and his dog having their own individual conversations with that twat beside them. Um, sorry, I don’t mean to be a cunt, but I’m pretty sure I’m here to watch and listen to a movie, not to feed your ego by listening to you talk slightly louder than you really need to because you just want attention. 

What’s that? Oh you want to see the screen? That’s unfortunate, because the tallest mother fucker we could find happens to be sitting in front of you. What the actual fuck, why does this always happen?

So, the other day I decided to go to the cinema. All the usual shit at the start, tickets, popcorn etc. Find my seat and make myself comfortable. The entire row in front of me happens to be completely full and all the fuckers are in the same party. Not to mention that the guy at the far right really wants to hold a conversation with the guy seven seats to the left. Obviously. 

Regardless the movie begins and people manage to lower their voices, if only slightly. Next thing you know my fucking bladders going berserk.

“Don’t mean to be a complete inconvenience but I’m full and really need emptied.”

“Absolutely no cunting way am I going to the toilet.” I told it.

Five minutes pass and I start to lose focus of what’s going on. Ten minutes and my vision blurs, my bladder nags at me to move. Seventeen minutes and I fucking lose it. Incredibly pissed off I socked my bladder so hard the guy sitting in front of me pissed himself.

Problem solved I continued watching the remainder of the film only to be yet again inconvenienced this time by some melodramatic whore sitting to my right. For some reason she thought it was no problem to answer her phone, which obviously wasn’t on silent, in the middle of the fucking cinema. Well it isn’t really I suppose, oh wait, no, yes it is, because you use the phone to talk and if you’re talking that means that you and most of the non-self-absorbed cunts around you can’t hear what the actual fuck the actors are saying.



If I was to cast a vote about who I hate most, gays would rank first, but vegetarians would definitely be very close.

I always get the feeling a vegetarian looks down on me. As if not eating meat makes them morality superior.
“Oh look at me not eating meat like an omnivore should; I have the moral high ground in this party.”
Good one Captain Planet. You win this round, the rest of us meat eating, protein basking, taste loving losers sure got the worst of that exchange. Oh wait, did I say worst? I actually meant best, because I’m eating a motherfucking steak sandwich right now, and it tastes like win.
They make everything so fucking awkward as well. Imagine you’re having a bunch of friends over for dinner and you decide that steak is going to be on the menu, very good idea, oh, wait, that’s right, one of the pesky fuckers is a vegetarian so now you have to cook something different for them.
It’s always
“Oooooo, I can’t actually eat that I’m a vegetarian (slight pause here as they wait for their pat on the back) so you’ll have to cook something else.”
Oh yeah? Is that right? Well how about I wrap my dick in lettuce and shove it down you’re fucking throat.
Just once I’d like to hear them say
 “Sorry for being a complete pain in the actual ass and making everything overly fucking complicated because I’m a self-loving, egotistical, pasta munching twat.

Resit Resutls

It was a Friday and I was feeling particularly happy as Fridays kick ass. So I got into school minding my own business when this gay called Sheldon asked me and my friend Pie if we were excited about our results.

“Guh, hallo Pie and Stef, are guys ready for your results?”

I replied with

“Of fucking course I’m ready you stupid twat, do you think I would come into school on results day and not be fucking ready. Idiot.”

However, I had forgotten that it was results day, I obviously forgot on purpose so that I wouldn’t ruin my entire fucking day thinking about how gay results are. So anyway, I answered his question with a ball busting kick the crotch…then I realised that it was Sheldon I was kicking, and I had in fact delivered a swift kick to the cunt instead.

So me and Pie decided to head to my chemistry class to get my chains and rings resit mark. I walked into the class and punted some stupid bitch in the queue out of my way. Mrs Patterson was sitting in her stupid chair with a stupid grin on her retarded face.

“Ah Stefan, finally. Well I have your results here, and you have obtained another ‘E’, in fact Stefan I think you did worse in your resit than you did the first time round”

This got me so pissed that I socked her *BAM* rite in the ear. Then Pie smacked her with is dick and broke her jaw. Maybe you should have just shut the fuck up, slut.

So, angry and confused I decided it was time to get my biology resit result. I headed downstairs and was immediately swarmed by fans begging me not to kick their ass, but I felt like being a dick so I tripped Pie up, causing the forty or so people to be run in fear of being obliterated by his terrifying bulk.

I continued on to biology as the physics department were busy double checking that gravity was only 9.8m/s and not 9 billion.

I got to biology and my old nemesis Dr. Cockhead was sitting in his bouncy chair.

“Hello sir” I said with a look of dominating calm on my face.

“Oh its you, here for your result I assume, no doubt it will lead to disappointment as usual” he retorted

“Yeah that’s right, it is me, and yes I do want my results…dick”

“Well let’s see….*searches*….ah here we are……….hmmm seems to be some mistake in the system. They’ve clearly pressed the wrong button, or, maybe they marked it wrong. Either way, it says here that you got an A!”

“Obviously.” I quick wittedly replied.

I then decided to power bomb him through his interactive whiteboard and into Mr. Mcknights classroom which was full of shitty first years that all started to cry when they saw McCrea’s mouldy brain oozing out of his flaccid skull.

“What the hell is going on here Stefan!” shouted Mr McKinight

I casually relied “nothing.”

He looked at me for 16 seconds then quickly headed for the door, terror streamed across his face. I intercepted his route to the door with a heart stopping body slam, then kerb stomped his face into the basement. As I headed back over the sixth form centre I had sex with four different, hot girls all at the same time.

Goddam, I rock.


Man I fucking hate Flash.

So, the other day I was doing my Flash coursework when the button I had created wouldn't do what I wanted it to, even though everything about the button was correct because I made it and I'm always rite about everything. I tried and tried and tried to get the piece of shit to do what it was su-fucking-posed to. After 3 minutes of constant struggle and incredible frustration I decided that Flash was shit and I was never going to use it again because I hate it.

At this stage I was so angry that I decided I needed to kick someone’s ass to release some of my man anger because too much man anger can be dangerous, but not to me because I'm too manly.

So I decided to go into town. Upon entering Bow Street the first thing I did was walk into Boots and tell them that girls suck. I then proceeded towards the exit when the security guard came over to me and grabbed my arm. I turned with a face full of fury and started him straight in the eye, he collapsed. I was feeling so manly at this point that I decided to listen to some Coheed and Cambria because that’s what real men do.

Anyway, I continued my journey until I came across an old lady "Excuse me son, but I find your T-shirt offensive!" (I was obviously wearing my T-shirt that says 'fuck off or I'll sock you in the colon') *BAM* I socked the slut in the kidney so hard she needed dialysis immediately. A man who saw the woman crippled on the ground bleeding like a carton of tomato juice just hit by a train ran over to help her so I kicked him into the sky. Four other men came running over with steel bars. I stood with my arms by side and listened to their empty threats. "I'm gonna paint the wall with your face" bla bla bla. I eventually got bored of listening to these dolts who proceed to try and scare me, so I picked the biggest one up with my balls and body slammed him into oblivion.

One minute and 47 seconds later the other three had started to comprehend 0.1% of my awesomeness, but I wasn't prepared to wait another 10 years before they realised just how fucked they were, so I delivered an astounding roundhouse kick and dislocated the ugliest ones face. The other two decided to attack so intercepted their first hit with my pecs, then used my massive sheets of man muscle to rip the steel bar from their hands, I almost tensed, causing the reinforced steel to crumple, I then laughed like a Pirate and power bombed the fat one through a nearby children’s play area.

Only one was left, and he was shaking like a three year old girl in front of a speeding truck about to smash into her pathetic face. He turned to run, so I socked him in colon, spilling shit everywhere, this was gross, so I went and stole some clothes from a nearby shop and cleaned all the shit off my fist, I then went back to the shop and told them I didn't want their clothes because they suck and if they don't close down in the next 10 seconds I was going to throw their children into the Sun.

Anyway, I returned to the dweeb lying on the ground with a busted colon, I grabbed his left foot and threw him through a nearby steel reinforced wall coated in unbreakable concrete.

Feeling better, I began walking home when I was swarmed by a group of people begging me not to kick their ass, so I body slammed one just before grabbing the biggest object I could find and throwing it really far. I then went into nearby jewellers and ate all the jewellery just so I could digest it and then shit it out in front of them.

I decided I'd had enough of this bullshit so I headed home after eating four puppies in front of a pet shop.